I’m coming to you from a stationary bike again while fully engaging my core. I’ve been gym-ing like a motherfucker the past 2 weeks and I’ve lost four pounds. Seven if I’m picking my favorite weight, but four if you I’m picking the accurate one. I’m exceedingly proud of myself. That’s something good that’s happened in an emotional roller coaster of a week. My TMS treatments have been part of the roller coaster, not just because moods can and probably get worse before they get better, but because there ended up being a doctor mandated pause in my treatment.
I’ve been getting treatments on the left side of my brain for depression. On the days of the treatments though I was getting panic attack level anxiety and lost my ability to sleep. The doctor determined this was more than just a side effect of the procedure and had me stop altogether for a few days. I didn’t know what this meant for the long run at first, but I did notice my anxiety improving on the days off.
When I went back the following week I was surprised to find out that they were switching the treatments to the right side of my brain, otherwise known as the anxiety side. They determined that they were over stimulating my left side and it was time to underestimate. Since they told me that this side wasn’t covered by insurance I was worried, but they took care of it for me and I don’t have to pay extra. So I’ve had one day of anxiety TMS and afterward I did not have anxiety. It was the first time in so long that I’ve felt the almost absence of anxiety I felt like I had taken Xanax. It felt a lot like peace.
For the long weekend I didn’t have treatment and I’m back to an uncomfortable mixture of depression and panic attack level anxiety. Roller coaster. (By the way, a woman just sat down on the bike right next to mine. The cardio machines are practically empty and she chose the closest one to me. There should always be a one bike buffer zone whenever possible. I have personal space issues! Move!) So I have my next anxiety treatment later today, and even though I’ve already had one I don’t really know what to expect. Should I expect the same subdued effect I felt after the first one? Can I expect to feel that all the time long term? What about my depression? Since we’re not treating that side anymore is my depression going to improve at all? Am I going to feel any worse before I feel better?
Fortunately I don’t run away from challenges and I know that whatever happens, with this or anything else, I will be fine. I may be cranky, but I will be fine.