I’m writing this post from the bike at the gym (note: it’s also heavily edited – turns out phone blogging during cardio isn’t efficient). I questioned how much of a workout I could possibly be getting if I’m able to freaking blog while doing it, but the sweat and heavy breathing (not that kind) tell me I wasn’t doing too badly. This gym visit is costing me approximately $360 because it’s the first time I’ve been to the gym in my year of membership here. I’m not proud of that, but I am proud of myself for getting myself here today.
Ever since my most recent medication changes a couple months ago I’ve developed an obsessive relationship with food. I’ve watched the scale go up and up and up, and my depression get worse and worse. It’s hard to get dressed much less get myself out the door to the gym. But today I did it, and I made a plan and goals for doing it for the next month. If I feel too depressed to go, I don’t go, and it’s not a failure. If I go, I will celebrate by eating junk food. I’m mostly kidding, but I’m also self-destructive as hell.
I would love to lose the weight, but really I just want to feel better. Getting back to my active athletic self is what I want, even if I start slowly. Like on a stationary recumbent bike navigating fake hills and texting and blogging while my long inactive legs start to burn.
Anyway, all this to say: I’m proud of myself today.